Love, Music and Friendship
by starryjen
Summary: Set after Neela's accident, Brett makes a decision that has a bad affect on his friendship with Ray and tries to repair the damage. Kind of AU. RayBrett friendship, hints of RayNeela
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I still don't own ER, do you really think I would have let Shane West leave if I did? Well, I got no writing done when I was on holiday, a wedding and New York had far too much appeal to leave me anytime to write, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait a while longer for an update to Guilt. This little one shot came to me suddenly and I quite like it, its a bit AU, Ray's accident never happened, Neela's did but not quite the way it did in the show. Read on to find out more. Reviews please.**

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Brett closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, as the smells of freshly cooked food wafted down the luxuriously decorated corridor towards him, he was fairly positive he could make out bacon, and blueberry pancakes, waffles and so much more. His stomach growled in anticipation. He rounded the corner into the vast restaurant and his eyes lit up at the wide spread of food. A small, grey haired waitress seated him at a table for two, clearing away the second set of cutlery as she took his drinks order. He sat there momentarily, his eyes passing along the selection on the buffet table as he worked out where to start, briefly his eyes flickered up to the television set on the wall, more images of plumes of smoke rising, another disaster scene somewhere. He glanced again between the pancakes and the waffles unsure which to have first, and felt his eyes being drawn back up to the TV. This time the image displayed made him completely forget about food and his hunger. It was a picture of someone he knew. Dr Neela. Her image changed into that of a young dark haired boy, and he was no longer convinced that it had really been her. The television was on mute and though he was squinting he still couldn't make out what the subtitles said, maybe it was time to get his eyes tested? He gestured at it as the waitress deposited his vats of coffee and orange juice 'what's happened?' 

She momentarily glances at the screen, and sighed deeply 'Oh, it's terrible isn't it? Chicago's been hit by suicide bombs over the last few weeks, I think five people were killed in the first one, the one they're talking about, thankfully no else has been killed since, well except for the bombers of course. Is there anything else you need, you know just to help yourself to the buffet, don't you?' as she said this she turned back to face the young man she was serving and to her surprise she saw him striding away from her towards the door. These young musician types were all the same, so flighty, must be all the drugs they take she mused to herself as she cleared away his coffee and juice.

He stood jabbing the elevator button, impatient to get back to the room he was sharing with Ray, to tell him what he'd seen. He was well aware that if he'd been the sort of person that wore a watch he would have been checking it repeatedly while he waited for it to appear. It was shocking that such a high-class hotel, with an 'all you can eat breakfast' no less, would have such slow elevators. The longer he waited the more he became convinced that it had been Neela, he knew it was a while since he'd seen her, but he'd recognise that face anywhere, though it was more familiar with a glare on it than smiling. But what if it wasn't? What if he got up there, told Ray and he freaked and they blew their chance with the producer?

The elevator finally dinged to signal its appearance and as the chrome doors slid open he stepped into the highly reflective interior. Ray hadn't mentioned Neela once in the weeks since he'd rejoined the band, all Brett knew was that he'd received a call late one night from a clearly pissed Ray telling him he was quitting medicine, and Chicago, that he couldn't deal with it anymore, whatever it was, and was there any space for him in their line up. He'd of course told him to fuck off, but when he'd called back the next day, stone cold sober this time, Brett had realised that he meant what he'd said. The band had discussed it at length over breakfast/lunch at a mom and pop diner around the corner from their hotel and finally agreed that they'd give him a two-week trial and see how it went. Those two weeks had turned into a month and he knew that Ray's presence was why they were doing so well, that and it wasn't having a bad effect on the number of groupies around either.

When they'd kicked Ray out the first time it had been because he'd lost his commitment to the band, he was more focussed on this career, and Neela, than he was on his music. But the Ray who'd come back was the one of old, the hair had been shorter, though given that he'd been back a month it was almost there, he'd also been clean shaven, that hadn't lasted long either. His first night back on stage he'd applied the black eye liner and nail varnish with the steady hand of a pro, anyone watching would never have realised that it was over a year since he'd last done it, and it had been the same ever since. Their alcohol consumption was where it was before as well, the five of them often stumbling back into whatever flea pit they were staying at as more staid people were on their way to work, and it was rare for there not to be some stunning girl on Ray's arm every night. The 'Doc Rock' of old was back, and so what if he occasionally saw him staring off into space, a pained look on his face, everyone has his demons to fight.

As the lift approached the eighth floor, he came to the conclusion that he wouldn't tell Ray yet, best to find out the details before he rushed in. He could then tell Ray after their gig tonight, when it couldn't blow their chance with the producer, and as callous as it sounded, if Neela really had been killed a few more hours couldn't make any difference.

He remembered that Ray had brought his laptop with him, and conveniently he also recalled some mention of free wireless Internet when they'd checked in, if he wasn't going to get a free breakfast he might as well make use of that. He could search the news sites and find out what really had happened. He slid the key card into the lock and as he opened the door he heard the tell tale sign that Ray was in the shower, he called out as the door swung shut 'hey dude, can I use your laptop?'

'Help yourself' echoed from the bathroom.

He quickly fired the machine up, praying that he didn't press the wrong button and wipe its contents into oblivion. He'd always been a technophobe; he left all the electrical stuff to the other guys. First stop was the CNN website and there it was, a link to a story headed 'Windy City hit by bomb blasts'. He clicked on it and skimmed the article that appeared. There it was again, Dr Neela's photo, and this time there was no question it was her, the title underneath read 'Dr Neela Rasgotra, seriously injured'. She hadn't been killed then, but she'd been hurt. He read the paragraphs beside her image; five people had been killed in that first bomb and seven seriously injured, Neela among them. Of those seven, four had since been released from hospital; she wasn't one of them, her condition was listed as serious but stable, though despite the bombing having occurred three weeks ago she still hadn't woken up.

He didn't hear the shower turn off but he heard the bathroom door creak open, and with shaking hands he rushed to minimise the page. He saw Ray smirk as he turned to face him.

'Why the sudden need for the laptop? What happened to breakfast, I didn't think we'd see you before lunch with all that free food'

He looked at him for a moment, all ability to answer his questions vanishing. It had said her condition was 'serious but stable', surely nothing could change between now and tonight? He realised he was trying to justify his decision to himself, it wasn't as if Ray had mentioned her since he'd been back, he probably didn't feel anything for her anymore, he wasn't succeeding in convincing himself of that either, but he'd made up his mind in the elevator, once the producer had left he'd tell Ray. He shook his head to clear his thoughts as he closed the laptop down 'I was, but I got there too late, so I thought I'd wait for you to get your ass in gear so we can hit to the diner down the road'

* * *

The gig had gone well, better than well, it had been amazing, not a missed note or a dropped key, well they didn't really matter in their type of music anyway, but he'd found it hard to focus on it. As soon as they'd arrived back at the hotel the band and numerous taggers on had piled into the bar, but instead Brett had headed for the elevator wanting to check for any news updates before he spoke to Ray. He found himself muttering 'come on, come on' under his breath, while he waited for it to slowly ascend. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about her all day, hoping that he'd made the right decision, he'd even had flashbacks to some of the many insults she'd thrown at him, to Ray suggesting he asked her out before it became clear that that was really what he wanted to do, her storming out of her bedroom in her pyjamas, all rumpled and hair askew giving Ray grief about the noise or the groupies, he didn't think he'd had such vivid flashbacks since he'd been clean. She'd been sexy in an understated, almost librarian sort of way. He'd realised early on that he was thinking about her in the past sense and even though as far as he knew that wasn't the case he found it hard not to. 

As he fired up the laptop, he flicked the TV on to CNN and found himself frozen. The story on screen was the one he wanted to hear about. City leaders in Chicago appealing for calm in the wake of further bombings, the El closed down, additional security at all airports, rail and bus stations, and finally the bit he was waiting to hear about.

'Chris, I understand there's more news from Cook County General this evening regarding those who were injured in the initial blast'

'_That's correct Anna; they've issued a statement saying that two of the remaining three patients were released this morning. John Hannover and Mary Green were discharged into the care of their families three weeks after they were injured in the bombing of an antiwar rally in Grant Park, one of Chicago's main parks. It says both are said to be relieved to finally be going home'_

'_Is there any news on the remaining patient, Dr Neela Rasgotra?'_

_The face of the man on screen turned serious 'Yes there is. As you know Dr Rasgotra is on the staff here at County General and it was clear at the last press conference how her condition was affecting all those that work here. Up until now they have consistently said that though she wasn't conscious her condition was serious but stable, that has changed today. Over the last twelve hours they tell us that she's rapidly deteriorated and last we heard she was undergoing further life saving surgery'_

'_It sounds like the next few hours will be critical for her then?'_

'_They haven't said as much, but yes it will be, and reading between the lines of this press release, it's clear that they are not optimistic about the outcome'_

For a moment longer he stood there and then he was flying down the corridor, the TV and laptop still soaking up electricity, the walls blurring as he passed, then he was pounding down the eight flights of emergency stairs, their dim light guiding him on. There wasn't time to wait for the elevator, hell he shouldn't have waited for it this morning, he should have taken these stairs two a time to tell Ray what he'd seen, instead he'd waited and it felt like he'd almost sentenced her to death.

He burst through the doors into the bar, searching out Ray in the crowds of people that filled it as he tried to regain his breath. He didn't see him on his first scan but he finally spotted him leaning against one end of the bar, his arms wrapped around a leggy blonde, his head buried in her hair. He took a deep breath as he walked over, preparing to blow any façade that Ray was displaying away. Ray looked up briefly as he approached.

'Hey man, where've you been? You look shit, let me get you a drink' he turned to the bar, and Brett realised that Ray had had a fair bit to drink already 'Barman, get my friend a Jack and Coke' He turned back to the blonde, whispering in her ear, making her giggle, running his hands up and down her back as he pulled her closer.

He picked the drink up of the bar and downed it, trying to gain some strength for what he was about to do from the burning alcohol.

'There've been bomb attacks in Chicago'

Ray pulled slightly away from the girl, still flirting with her with his eyes 'what do you want me to do about that? Are they that short of doctors you think I should go back?' He laughed at his own joke, before he buried his head against her neck, kissing his way down to her collarbone.

He sighed, turning slightly away before returning his focus to Ray, it didn't matter that he was drunk, he still need to know what happened 'No, not unless you're a surgeon these days'

Ray's hands stilled momentarily, the only sign that he'd heard his words.

He realised that his glass had been refilled and he reached for it with shaking hands, downing the dark brown liquid in one again 'Man, listen to me, it's Neela'

It was the blonde who pulled away at the mention of her name, not Ray 'Neela?'

Ray tried to pull her back against him 'No one special, just a colleague I used to work with' trying desperately to smooth over any jealousy that might have surfaced, but she ignored him.

Instead she turned to face Brett 'Dr Neela Rasgotra?'

Ray looked at her properly for the first time 'How do you?' his question faded away as he realised that neither she nor Brett was listening.

'Yeah, that's right, how do you know her?'

She laughed lightly 'I don't, I'm majoring in counter terrorism at law school, I've been following this story since it first broke, I feel like I'm on first name basis with all the victims. Has something happened?'

Trust Ray to hook up with an intellectual to boot, not just some dumb blonde. For a few seconds he let the noises of the bar absorb his thoughts, he didn't do emotions, his friendship with Ray had never really been about that, yeah, they were close and he'd do anything for him but he'd always thought of it in more of a bar room brawl sort of way, not like this. 'Yeah, they discharged the other two earlier, but Neela's condition's deteriorated, she's back in surgery' he paused as he wiped a few beads of sweat from his forehead 'they say it's a life or death situation now' he was facing Ray again, watching his friends face turn pale as comprehension set in through the fog of alcohol, his arms falling from the girl's waist 'I'm sorry buddy, I know how you feel about her'

Again it was the blonde who replied, looking between Brett and Ray 'Wait a minute, you know her?'

'Yeah, Ray and Neela used to be roommates and they worked together, they were close' he'd never been sure how close, he'd had his ideas but Ray had never confirmed or denied them.

For the first time in many minutes Ray spoke, but it wasn't the Ray who'd been in the bar when he'd arrived, his whole demeanour had changed, gone was the cocky, arrogant, rock star and left standing in his place was the serious, caring, and at this moment, broken doctor. 'What are you talking about? What's happened to her? Where is she?'

She beat him to a response 'There've been half a dozen suicide bomb attacks on Chicago in the last few weeks, the first was at an antiwar rally, Neela was caught up in that one. Last I read she was at Cook County General and that her condition was stable, that's obviously changed though'

Ray turned on his heel and walked away before she'd finished her sentence.

She looked at Brett 'I'm not going to see him again, am I?'

He respected her honesty and returned it with his own 'No, you're not' and he followed Ray out the door.

Ray must have had impeccable timing with the elevators, as Brett exited the bar he watched the doors slide shut with his friend inside and no amount of impatient button pressing made it return any quicker.

When he reached their room he found the door ajar. He stood in the space taking in the chaos that had hit it, it hadn't been tidy by any means when they'd left, but the maid-turned-down covers were strewn with Ray's belongings as he grabbed, and stuffed, what he needed into a small holdall. It was evident that he would be leaving the majority of his stuff behind, but it was also clear to him that that didn't mean he was coming back, just that these things weren't anywhere near as important as getting to Neela was. He realised that Ray had become aware of his presence as he turned to face him with a sneer.

'How long have you known?'

Brett briefly considered lying, saying that he'd just found out, that would preserve the friendship that was so important to him, but he realised that he owed Ray more than that 'I saw it on the news this morning when I went down to breakfast'

He saw something snap in Ray's eyes and then his back was up against the wall, his hand tight against his neck as he forced him to meet his fury filled eyes. This was a version of his friend that he'd never met before and to be honest he was scared shitless.

'Why the fuck didn't you tell me then? You know how I feel about her' with his other hand he lashed out at the wall, denting the fragile plasterwork with his fist.

He tried to pull away, but quickly realised it was useless, Ray's anger had fuelled him with a previously unknown strength 'they said she was stable, I thought it could wait until after the gig' Ray gave him a querulous look 'hey man, you've not mentioned her once in the last four weeks, how was I meant to know that you still had feelings for her?'

Ray's hand pushed his head further against the wall and then he suddenly released him, turning his back on him 'I had to leave, I couldn't deal with what she was putting me through any longer, I love her so much, but' the fury had faded, in its place was the broken man he'd seen at the bar, and if he wasn't mistaken there were tears in his eyes as well 'but if anything happens to her' he raised his eyes to meet Brett's again 'and I wasn't with her, you will wish you were dead'

'Look, you'll never know how sorry I am, I thought it would be okay, this big producer was meant to be coming to the gig tonight, I didn't want anything to ruin that, I thought she'd be okay' Brett was desperately trying to claw back some vestige of their friendship, but the glare that Ray was sending his way told him to shut up.

Ray grabbed the holdall and stormed out the room with Brett following 'You think some potential record contract is more important than the woman I'm in love with, you think I'd put that before her, you need to get a grip on reality, I don't give a damn about any of that'

They were in the elevator by now, its slow descend filled a with a heavy silence. No words could repair their friendship now, maybe over time, if she survived, they'd be able to scrape it back together, but not tonight. He thought back to the night before, when they'd shared the elevator on the way to the gig, the laughing, the jokes, the banter, it had felt like the journey only took seconds, tonight it felt like hours.

He reached out an arm to stop Ray as he stepped out into the lobby 'I know you won't believe me, but I do care about her you know, let me know how she is, okay?' All he got in response was a curt nod, and his best friend strode away from him across the marble floor.

'Brett, dude, where've you been, I've been looking everywhere for you' the unmistakable voice of Bruno reaching him across the lobby 'that producer I was telling you about, loved it, absolutely loved you guys, he's talking mega money, top gigs, hotels like…' his voice trailed away as he spotted Ray purposively walking out the door 'where's Barnett going? He's hooked up with some bird right? He's coming back, yeah? Cause I have to tell you, he was the selling point, he was crazy about Barnett and how the fans went mad for him'

He looked at Bruno, the shiny tight suit, the ever present shades, the mock croc shoes, and the gelled hair, and he saw all his dreams go up in smoke, whatever happened Ray wouldn't be back, he'd blown it for all of them, he looked wistfully towards the door 'He's not coming back, his girl's in hospital, he's gone to be with her'

Bruno shook his head 'His girl? But what about all the grou…? Surely when you tell him about the deal he'll realise that's more important, he has to come back, this is the big time we're talking about, you need him, without him you're nothing'

That was it then 'We're nothing then' and he strode off to try and wipe out the memories of the last 24 hours at the bar. But he knew that it would take more alcohol than was available to make him forget what a mess he'd made of their friendship.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Still don't own ER. I really wasn't going to write another part of this, but this just came to me, and in fact, there will probably be a third and final part, the muses are whispering. I'm not sure how much of Ray's past friendship with Brett we know about so have made it all up, which I really enjoyed so I hope you enjoy reading it. Some character portrayals may be a bit OOC (especially Lucien, but I loved writing that bit!). Review please, the more reviews the quicker I'll update Guilt or Circumstances of Change!

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A few hours later he found himself on board a flight to Chicago. As he'd leant against the bar with another Jack and coke in his hand he'd started to question why he had let Ray go on his own. Sure, he couldn't take back what he'd done, he couldn't make that right, but he was his buddy and he wanted to be there if he needed him, and Dr Neela, well, he'd always had a soft spot for her. All it had taken was a few empty promises of tickets to future gigs and he'd found himself at the closest airport in the early hours. Such promises didn't work with the airline staff though, and he'd been forced to hand over his precious credit card. There was one advantage to all the bombings though, getting a seat on a plane to Chicago was easy, in fact the one he was on was half empty.

He spent the flight recalling his friendship with Ray from the moment they'd met in detention when they were 16, when Brett had been the new kid in school, to the wild binges of the last few weeks. Despite their differences, they'd bonded over music and chicks and up until about a year or so ago it hadn't mattered that Ray was by far the cleverer of them, that he would always be the one to make something of himself, while Brett would always be the one who almost made it. He'd heard that it was often like that with siblings, one brighter than the other, one more likely to succeed than the other, well, the only thing that stopped them being brothers was that blood tie, in every other respect they were.

They'd had their first tattoos done together when they were 18, he could still picture Ray turning greyer and greyer as the symbol was etched between his shoulder blades and joking with him about how it couldn't be that bad because he couldn't see the needle. As soon as the tattoo artist had finished Ray had been outside throwing up in the gutter. It had amazed, and surprised, him when, a few years later, he'd suggested they went again, but he'd agreed and it was the same again, though this time there was a fair bit of booze in Ray's veins to help. It was as if he thought that all rockstars had to have tattoos and he would torture himself with the needles if it meant that he would reach that status.

They'd formed their first band not long after they met, playing at their friends' parties as their peers made out in the darkened corners. No one had really understood their music then, it was a bit too dark for the kids at their school, but they put up with it just to be able to say 'there'll be a band'. That band had drifted apart when Ray went to med school in Philly, too much distance between there and Baton Rouge to make it worthwhile. Six months after Ray left Brett had found himself up in Philly visiting him and he hadn't left. They found a couple of other guys who were into their kind of music and their second band had been formed.

The black eyeliner had been Ray's idea and he'd gone one step further when he'd returned from the shop with black nail varnish as well. They'd cracked up the first time they'd tried to apply it, Brett had accidentally stuck the tip in his eye, and Ray had always teased him about screaming like a girl then. He could still remember the buzz he'd got the first time they stepped on stage in that get up, catching Ray's eye as he grinned manically, knowing that he felt it too. That buzz had never faded, every time they stepped on stage the crowd still went crazy and when they stepped off, well, there were always plenty of groupies to choose from.

People had always believed that, like most bands, they took drugs, but that wasn't the case then, there was no way Ray would willingly stick a needle in himself on a regular basis, and he'd also known he'd get kicked out of med school if he dallied with anything like that. Brett had never seen any reason to challenge Ray's beliefs on the subject until one night when they were out and something trivial had been said, he couldn't even remember now what it was, but it had set off a major argument, insults and accusations being thrown without consideration for each other's feelings. Ray had grabbed whichever girl he was with that night and stormed off to the apartment they shared, leaving Brett with the rest of the group. Angry at Ray, drunk and without his influence not to, his resolve had weakened and he'd taken his first drag of weed that night. They'd made up soon after, but whenever Ray wasn't around he'd found himself lighting up, slowly letting it take over his life. He'd lost whatever job he was in at the time and Ray had started to notice that something was wrong. Without him he wasn't sure how he would have gotten himself cleaned up, but he had and when Ray had moved to Chicago to start his internship at County, he'd thought nothing of following him there.

To start with it was like nothing had changed, it was the same as it had been in Philly, just in Chicago instead; then Neela moved in with Ray. She was cute but quiet, not Ray's type at all, but he noticed that things started to change.

He'd watched him the night the balcony collapsed, seen how well he coped with it all, how good a doctor he was, and how he behaved around Neela, and for the first time he understood why his friend wanted to be a doctor and he caught a glimpse of what a grown up Ray could be like and it scared him, he'd felt that he was being left behind.

After that he'd slowly noticed his friend's behaviour changing, they'd be sitting around his apartment drinking and discussing lyrics and playing riffs, normally with a few girls at their sides, when Ray would make some comment about keeping the noise down as Neela was on earlys, or he'd ask her to join them when they went out. Brett had notched that up as him being a good roommate, hadn't realized that a boundary was being crossed.

For a while Ray seemed to spend more time at home, cancelling gigs to spend time with Neela, being less willing to go out. He'd started to wonder what was going on with them, but then, to his surprise, Dr Neela got married and he'd thought he must have been imagining things. Ray had spent a fortnight on his couch after that, a week of the floor being paced for hours at night, of drowning pain with bottles of beer, and then he'd snapped out of it, and it had been a week of drinking and getting laid, of things being the way they always had been. Neela's husband went back to Iraq not long after that, and it was like Ray was stepping into his shoes, it was always 'Neela this, Neela that', wherever Neela was Ray was, for the first time since he'd known him, he'd found himself questioning whether Ray was finally in love, the answer had worried him.

Brett had done the long term girlfriend thing a couple of times, well if you can call a couple of years long term, once at school and again in Philly, but Ray never had. There were always girls around and sometimes he'd see the same face five or six times before she disappeared, but he'd never seen the point in remembering their names, they weren't around long enough for that to be worthwhile.

Neela was different, she was his roommate to start with, they'd fought and argued and finally worked out how to live together. Being around her changed Ray, he was more serious, more dedicated to his work; less willing to bunk off if a gig came along, and Brett could see that was her doing. But it was the way his eyes lit up when he saw her, as if she was the only girl in the room and he'd been sure he'd seen her look at Ray the same way, that was what made him believe his friend was in love. He would have been happy for him if it hadn't been for one thing, she was married. Despite his bad boy image Ray had always been adamant that he wouldn't get involved with a married woman, too much grief to be had, and here he was falling in love with one. He'd seen how he was that week after she'd gotten married, he'd had no interest in anything, he'd seen him staring out the window for hours at a time, knowing that he couldn't see what was out there, that all he could see was his dark haired roommate. That was all that could come from loving her, heartache. He'd tried to warn him, but he'd just laughed it off, told him not to be so stupid, but he could see it all the same, and he knew the warnings were too late.

When the phone call came through from the record company in LA, he and the rest of the band had discussed at length what to do about Ray, he'd, of course, told them to go fuck themselves, that if they were going to do this Ray should be there, but Nick and the rest had convinced him otherwise. Ray was happy doing his doctoring thing, and sharing his life with his roomie, this was their chance for the big time and they couldn't let him hold them back. There was no changing their minds, and he could see they were right; he just had to tell Ray. It had been hard, especially when he'd already resigned, but he'd done it and it had been for the best. What had made it harder was when Ray had rung a few weeks later so pissed that he was almost incoherent, but he'd been able to make the main point of the call, that Neela had left, and that Ray thought he'd lost everything. He'd been a shoulder to cry on, all be it over the phone lines (and only when he was drunk) and they'd managed to patch up their friendship, he'd even come to the last gig they'd had in Chicago. He'd seemed so different to the Ray Brett had known for the last 13 years, more grown up, more serious, and still without Neela. He knew that her husband had died a year ago and he'd thought it was only a matter of time before they'd got it together, but seemingly not.

When he'd received that call from Ray a couple of weeks later he hadn't been completely surprised, but he'd never thought his friend was the kind of person to run from his problems. The Ray who'd got off that bus however had been the one of old and he'd found himself wondering if the stuff with Neela had just been in his imagination, and he'd believed that until a few hours ago when he'd watched Ray break apart.

Brett hadn't really considered what would happen when he reached County, he'd made it there, he'd managed to make his way through the small group of reporters at the entrance, found his way to the ICU ward, and had even found his way to Neela's room. His hand was on the doorknob when he was stopped from going further by a short, curly haired, bespeckled man in a lab coat.

'Sir, can I ask where you're going?'

'To see Dr Neela' it was so obvious to him that he couldn't understand why this guy was stopping him. He could see Ray by Neela's side, holding her hand in his whilst he leant his head on his other hand, his lips moving, and Brett found himself looking across at Neela expecting to see her eyes open, but they weren't.

'Sir, I'm afraid you can't do that' and the curly haired guy made the mistake of touching him on the arm to guide him away.

'Hey, what are you doing, I just wanted to see Neela' who was this guy who was man handling him, and why wasn't he letting him see Neela? He pushed his hand off his arm, trying to turn back to the room.

'Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave' he grabbed his arm again.

'What? Dude I just want to see my friend' he started to struggle.

'Call Security' the guy shouted along the corridor towards a group of nurses.

Out of the corner of his eye, Brett saw Ray turn towards all the commotion, and sigh as he spotted him. He rose from his chair, heading for the door. The curly haired guy was speaking to him, as he kept a tight grip on Brett's arm 'Ray, don't worry about this, we've called security, we'll get this guy out of here ASAP'

Ray sighed again wearily 'Its okay Dr Dubenko, he's with me' he gave Brett a withering glare 'you best come in'

He followed Ray into the room grabbing the other free chair from against the wall 'Man, who does that dude think he is? All I was trying to do was come in here to see you'

Ray had resumed his place at Neela's side and his gaze never left her as he spoke softly 'he's Neela's doctor and her boss. They've had some bother from the press trying to sneak in here, so he's being extra protective, you're lucky security didn't get their hands on you' he raised his eyes briefly to meet Brett's 'why are you here? Because if it's more crap about that producer you'd be better off leaving now'

It was as Ray had raised his eyes to his that Brett realized how they both looked. It was no surprise that he'd had strange looks at the airport and that that doctor had reacted so badly to him if he looked as bad as Ray. The eyeliner that he'd applied so carefully seven or so hours ago was smudged down his cheeks through sweat, and if the red eyes were anything to go by, tears. His hair was still spiked though the odd bit had wilted, he was dressed in a grungy, sweat stained, band t-shirt and ripped jeans with a leather studded cuff around one wrist and as he followed that arm down it made him smile to see the chipped black nail varnished fingers that were holding Neela's small, immaculate hand. It was clear to him that Ray either had no clue that he looked so rough or he didn't care.

He sat there for a moment, a slight smile toying with his lips before he remembered that Ray had asked him a question 'I kind of thought you might need a friend' the eyes that met his were incredulous 'yeah, look, I know I've not been much of one in the last day or so' there was a long pause 'ah, shit, you know I don't do this emotional stuff, but dude you're my buddy, you've always been there for me, I wasn't going to let you down'

Ray shrugged, his focus not straying from Neela 'look, I can't forgive you for yesterday, I know you meant well but when it came to this you were wrong, Neela is… You just can't mess with stuff like this. But despite that I'm glad you're here, everyone's been kind of odd since I arrived'

That didn't surprise Brett, he'd seen how he looked, these people were more used to Dr Barnett in his white lab coat, than 'Doc Rock' these days, they'd probably forgotten what he used to be like. He wasn't quite sure why he didn't point this out to Ray, it just didn't seem that important.

He let the silence hang between them for a while, not uncomfortable but not yet comfortable, it would be a while before things were back to the way they were between them, he knew that. He let it hang until he realised that he'd not asked how Neela was, how could he have been so stupid? 'How is she?' His voice seemed so loud after the silence they'd been sitting in, the silence that had only been interrupted by the beeps of the monitors.

'They managed to stabilise her…' unintentionally he found himself tuning out what Ray was saying, he'd got as far as she was stable and then all the medical terminology and jargon had lost him '… the next twelve hours are critical'

Ray was leaning forward in his chair now, one hand still holding hers, the other stroking the side of her face. It was the tenderness that struck Brett, the tenderness and love in that simple gesture and his next question just slipped out 'What happened with you guys? I kind of expected you to be together when we came back the other week, but you were on your own'

Ray gave a wry smile as he leant back in his seat 'you sure you want to hear this?'

Brett nodded.

'I thought the same, I thought it was a matter of time but things didn't work out like that' he sighed 'when Gallant died, I thought I should give her some space, she was grieving she didn't need me hanging around'

Brett found himself giving him a questioning look 'but you seemed so close? Why wouldn't you want to be there for her?'

'Okay, you're right, a friend suggested that I give her some space, he had her best interests at heart, I could see where he was coming from. So I gave her some and that's where things started to go wrong, we drifted apart, I hated it but I thought it was just a short term thing, you know, that when she was ready she'd come back to me? I gave her that time, I waited for her, hell there was no one else, she was the only one I wanted. And then' he paused staring down at her hand in his 'and then, shit, I saw her in one of the conference rooms, making out with this asshole of an intern. She'd moved on, but it wasn't with me. I can't tell you how bad that made me feel, I hated it, I hated her. Things just got worse between us, she was dating him and I started to date her student' another wry smile escaped 'yeah, I know how that sounds, I was trying to make her jealous and Katey took my mind of the fact that she was in his bed'

'We had full blown arguments in the ER, I questioned her integrity as a doctor' he shook his head 'everything we'd had was crumbling away, we were trying so hard to hurt each other, I couldn't understand it, and I couldn't see a way back. But something happened, I'm not sure what, it just seemed that one day we were talking again, not fighting and everything that I'd though was slipping away from me was back in my grasp'

A gentle, soft smile played with his lips 'it was almost like old times, and then one night I kissed her'

Brett glanced across at his friend in surprise; that was progress at least.

'I really thought that would be it, that she'd end it with him. But it didn't work out like that, she said she needed some time, I would have given her all the time she needed, if that was what she really wanted, but I began to doubt it. I asked her to come to your gig' he raised his eyes to Brett's and he saw the pain in them 'but she said we were still waiting; she was still with him, still letting him touch her, that hurt so much'

'There was a department dinner thing one night, turned into a bit of a wedding, long story. We were talking, and she said some things that made me think it was all going to be okay, but she was interrupted, and when I went looking for her later she was on the balcony with him, and he was touching her 'Brett watched as the hand that wasn't holding Neela's clenched into a fist 'stroking her hair, and she was letting him. I realized that I couldn't keep doing it, couldn't keep waiting for her to decide, what she was doing was killing me, and when he said some things later, and after I'd hit him, I decided I'd had enough, and that I had to leave, so I called you, you know the rest'

For someone who didn't do emotions, Ray's little speech had been a challenge, but Brett respected him for being completely honest with him 'What I don't get is why you were so desperate to get back here last night?'

'Why? Its simple really, I love her. That's all it came down to, you said she was hurt, and I knew I had to be with her'

And it was that that made Brett realize that he may have been the one to have had the long-term relationships in the past, but he'd never experienced that kind of feeling for anyone. He'd never looked at anyone the way Ray looked at Neela either, as if she had the power to light up his world, and though it seemed to have caused Ray nothing but pain, he kind of hoped that one day he'd know how it felt.

'Where is this guy then? I'd have thought he'd be here with her'

Ray gave a wry, bitter laugh 'Abby was with her when I got here; she said she'd been here most days since it happened, she looked so exhausted I told her to go home. I asked where he was before she left, and she said, didn't I know, that they'd split up the night of the wedding, the night I left, she ended it with him, and I'd run away, how's that for irony?' The eyes that met Brett's were full of pain and bitterness.

Hours passed as they sat there occasionally talking, more often sitting in silence, as nurses and doctors came and went. Brett sat there with half an eye on the clock, as he watched the 12 critical hours tick by, he wasn't sure quite what they meant, was it that if she made it through them it would be okay, or did some thing have to change in that time? He wasn't sure, and he didn't want to upset Ray by asking. His friend was becoming more serious, less communicative with every minute that passed, and he began to realise that what they were waiting for was for her to wake up, that if she didn't in those 12 critical hours there wouldn't be much hope left.

His eyelids were slowly flickering onto his cheeks, the many hours without sleep catching up on him when he felt Ray pull himself upright, there was a sudden tension in the room that hadn't been there before. He heard himself groggily ask 'what's up?'

'I think… I felt… she moved her fingers' there was a shake in Ray's voice as the words rolled over his vocal cords.

'What? Are you sure? Should I get someone?' He was instantly alert, all feelings of exhaustion evaporating. Brett watched Ray watch Neela's hand and after a few minutes he saw his friend visibly deflate.

'No, yes, look, I don't know. Just be quiet for a minute' he moved up the bed, still holding her hand, laying his other against her cheek 'Neela, if you can hear me squeeze my hand'

They both watched her hand in his for what seemed like minutes but was really only seconds. When it happened it was hardly tangible, the faintest of movements but they saw it. Instantly Brett raised his eyes to look at Ray and he saw a wave of uncontrollable relief wash over his friend, a tear sneaking out the corner of his eye, the eyeliner running further, as he kept talking to her, his voice choked with tears 'that's good Neela, that's so good, I've been so worried, now all I need is for you to open your eyes'

He felt like he was sort of invading their privacy, but he'd promised Ray that he would be there for him, and until he asked him to leave he would be, that and there was something kind of voyeuristic about the whole thing. As Ray fell silent he almost expected Neela to open her eyes instantly, but it didn't happen like that, it was like the hand movement, that first flutter of her eyelashes was hardly tangible, and then a lone teardrop rolled down her cheek from the corner of her eye. Watching was addictive, her eyes flickered open momentarily, and then again remaining open, and even he could see the panic rising in them, as they moved from side to side, trying to garner where she was and why she was there. The panic turned into to terror as she tried to speak, her hands making to grab her throat, and the tube stuck down it, as she realised that something was preventing her from doing so.

Ray grabbed her hands firmly, talking calmly, reassuring her, whilst pressing a button on the wall 'Neela' her fear wouldn't let her meet his eyes 'Neela, look at me, its okay, you're at County, they had to intubate you' her understanding was slow to kick in 'you know what that is, don't you? To help you breathe' she blinked an affirmative 'Brett's just going to get Lucien to take it out for you, okay?' he looked at him briefly 'can you get Neela's doctor for me?'

As he stepped into the corridor the bespeckled doctor and a couple of nurses were running towards him 'what's happened?'

'She's awake, Ray asked me to get you, she seems scared, he said something about you taking that tube out for her' he didn't think he was making much sense, but the doctor nodded in understanding, and pushed past him into the room.

The doctor was beside her, shining a torch into her eyes, talking reassuringly to her, when Brett walked back in. Ray was hovering at her side 'It's good to see that you've decided to rejoin us Dr Rasgotra, we'll get that tube out for you in a second, okay, right you remember what to do?' she blinked again 'on the count of three; one, two, three'

The tube being removed and the rasping coughs from Neela made him flinch, it sounded so painful. He was amazed at how calm Ray now seemed as he offered her some water from a paper cup.

'Right, Neela do you know where you are?'

Her eyes flitted between Ray and Brett again and she smiled slightly as her gaze returned to the doctor 'from… from the look of them, I'm guessing not heaven, so I'll go with County' her voice was husky and she seemed to be in a lot of pain as she spoke.

The doctor looked at them both as well and laughed 'I see what you mean, I'm going to leave you in Dr Barnett's capable' he paused, whilst peering at Ray's hands and shook his head 'hands for a few minutes. If you need anything just press the buzzer, okay?'

She nodded and he left the room.

Brett found himself laughing at the confusion on Ray's face as looked at Neela, he could see that he was consciously not picking her hand up this time 'what did you mean by that?'

He couldn't help but interrupt 'Dude, have you looked at yourself recently?'

Ray turned briefly towards him, still confused, before turning back to Neela.

Her voice was soft 'it's just that I always imagined angels to be slightly more conventional looking than you two. I never pictured them wearing eyeliner, that's for sure' as she spoke she raised her hand to stroke Ray's cheek, his eyes closed at her touch, but sprung open again at the eyeliner comment.

He shook his head laughing 'you're telling me I still look like he does, aren't you?' he closed his eyes briefly before meeting hers again, he was quieter, more serious 'I was so desperate to get here, I forgot completely…'

She raised her hand again, and this time laid a finger over his mouth to silence him 'worse than him, but its okay. I think the grungy angel look will catch on, it's kind…' she blushed slightly 'it's kind of sexy'

Ray's voice had dropped an octave or three by the time he next spoke 'Yeah?'

She met his eyes smiling 'Yeah'

That was Brett's sign to leave, these two had stuff to sort out and they didn't need him hanging around, by the look of it they wouldn't even notice he'd gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER.** Wow, I think I'm on a role, okay, its not the promised update to Guilt or COC but I think I've been promising this for a long time as well so here goes. I've got slight concerns that its turned into a parody, I hope not but this was just how it came to me, so let me know what you think. I could have written many more chapters I think, but I kind of think Brett would have become dumber in each and I don't want that, so this is it. Reviews please.

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**Love, Music and Friendship - 3**

He strode down the corridor, following the signs for the restroom, a small smile on his face. As the water filled the sink in the compact room, he took in his appearance, Neela was right, he didn't look quite as bad as Ray, but it still wasn't a good look, fine for the dark corners of a club after a gig, but not for the cold, harsh light of a hospital. He skushed a handful of the liquid soap into his hand and smeared it over his face, all the while thinking about what he'd just witnessed. He was relieved that she'd woken up; even though they'd reached some sort of understanding over the last few hours he didn't doubt that his friendship with Ray would have been irreparable if she hadn't, and even if by some small miracle they'd come out of it still friends he dreaded to think what Ray's reaction to losing her would have been. He'd never seen his friend in love before, but what he'd just witnessed and the changes he'd seen in Ray over the last few years, led him to think that this wasn't just love, it was that once-in-a-lifetime type love, he could only hope it was reciprocated and that Neela wasn't going to hurt him again, he didn't think he had much to worry about though, he just had to see how she looked at Ray to know how she felt about him.

Despite that, he still felt a bit, he couldn't quite put a finger on it, flat he supposed, of course he was happy that she was awake, but it kind of made him feel that everyone was moving on, Ray was hopefully going to get his girl at last, and no doubt would be settling down with her, and where was he, still playing gigs in front of screaming sixteen year olds - no matter what their ID said - always missing out on the next big thing, he couldn't even blame Ray for that, not this time. No, he couldn't deny them their happiness but at the same time he'd always gauged his life by Ray's, he knew he wasn't as academically gifted as he was, or as career orientated as he'd become lately, but big stepping stones they'd always done at the same time, they'd gotten wrecked for the first time together, they'd left home at pretty much the same time, those sort of things they'd done together. Girls, apartments and cities had come and gone but their friendship had always remained the one constant in their lives, and he just had a niggle that that wouldn't be the case now, that Ray would defer to Neela now, it would be 'Ray and Neela' now, it wouldn't just be Ray.

He shook his head, he needed to snap out of it, this wasn't the time to be feeling sorry for himself. He thought back to that moment just now, and he felt the smile spread across his face, he'd never thought of himself as much of a romantic but in that moment watching Ray gazing at Neela and her gazing back, the slow smiles that brightened their faces, he might well have been converted. He looked up in the mirror as he splashed the water on his face, skin slightly mottled from the warmth of the water but apart from that a great improvement. As a last shot he ducked his head in the sink, rinsing some of the sticky stuff from his hair, he wasn't really sure if it was gel or booze or something else unmentionable but hopefully this would freshen it up a bit, make him look a bit more human, but as he crouched under the hand dryer, trying to remove some of the moisture that was now dripping down his shirt, he thought that perhaps it hadn't been the best idea. He wondered what would happen now, the newly found romantic in him kind of hoped they'd get the whole happily ever after thing - despite what he'd been thinking just before - a ring, a wedding, kids, the whole shebang.

He smirked as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, knees bent at an awkward angle as he tried to get the hot air to the back of his head, surely if he'd thought this through, it would have been easier to turn around instead of facing the wall, and the dryer, with his legs spread wide, kind of like he was... nah, he wasn't going there. He'd, of course, be best man, he could already feel the first few lines of his speech forming in his mind, because, really, when you thought about it, it was all down to him, they'd never have gotten together if it wasn't for him, would they? His eyes widened as a thought came to him, he'd have to organise the bucks night, it was part of the best man's duties, in fact apart from the speech it was the best man's duties, wasn't it? He could... Or what about? The ideas and possibilities flooded his mind. Wow, Ray was going to be so pleased he'd chosen him, though, hell, he'd have to make sure he didn't take it too far, Dr Neela would kill him if he did. He scratched the idea of shaving off all of Ray's hair off his mental list, it was a shame the guy really needed to know what it was like to not be as good looking as he was but that would just be asking for trouble; wait, wait, that was it, he could arrange for Ray to get another tattoo, something in honour of Neela, she couldn't object to that, could she?

Was that? He sniffed again, yeah, something was burning. He pulled his head away from the dryer and raised his hand to the top, okay, that would be what was burning, his hair. One dry, slightly singed - okay he was exaggerating but it was really hot – fluffy bit on the back of his head and the rest was still dripping.

He repositioned himself, facing the mirror this time, head tilted to one side, relieved that so far no one else had come into use the restroom, hopefully he'd be a bit more upright by the time anyone else appeared. Now, where was he, Ray's bucks night... Mmh, the rest of the guys from the band would want to be there, and probably some of the doctors from here as well, he wondered if that funny looking guy, the one with the glasses, Neela's doctor, what did Ray say his name was Luckman, Lucas, Lucilius, oh something like that, he wondered if he'd want to come, he'd ask him next time he saw him. Shit, what if Neela's dad wanted to come too, the thought send a cold shiver down his spine, god, he hoped not, he wouldn't know what to say or do, it would change all his plans. At least he didn't have to worry about Ray's dad, he wouldn't be there, that was a certainty. In all the time he'd know him, he'd never once met the guy, not even when they were at school, it had always been just Ray and his mom and they'd never been close.

From what he understood, and he didn't really do that emotional stuff, Ray's dad had walked out on his mom when he was seven, done that classic thing of running off with his secretary, though in his case his secretary was another guy. That had been it, no cards, no presents at Christmas, no phone calls. The man had reinvented his life and there was no room for his son in it. Jacey had done her best by Ray but she'd never seemed the maternal sort to Brett, there'd never been any milk and cookies when he'd gone round, okay, they were sixteen but it would have been nice to be offered. He could probably name on one hand the occasions Ray had gone home since he was eighteen. The only good thing was that she'd paid for his tuition at medical school, money hadn't been too much of a problem, Ray had always had the latest guitar or amp, well until he'd left med school that is, when she'd told him it was time to stand on his own two feet.

But Ray and Neela would do better by their kids he could tell, Dr Neela would keep them in line, with her strict looks, hell, she'd practised enough on him, hadn't she? And Ray would let them play guitar, and spike their hair, though again Dr Neela might have something to say about that. Wait a minute, if they had kids he would be an uncle. He'd make a pretty cool uncle he thought, he'd bring them sweets and pop, and what could be better than having an uncle who was in a band, how cool would that be? He'd be able to sneak them into gigs and... oh hell, what if they were like Neela? Serious and studious, what if they liked books instead of music, he wouldn't know what to say to them, or what presents to bring, he'd have to swot up on those British writer folk, like, oh what was his name, Charlie Dickenson, the guy who wrote a Muppet Christmas Carol, now that was a pretty cool film.

He pulled away from the hand dryer again, hmm, he really should just give up, it really wasn't working, it didn't look like any hair style he'd ever seen before, well, but now that he thought of it he was sure he now resembled one of the Muppets in that film. He pulled it and poked at bits trying to make it more stylish, some bits still felt kind of sticky and he wasn't sure if sticky was better than fluffy but it would have to do. He made his way back towards Neela's room, well he was kind of sure that was where he was heading, but the corridors all sort of looked the same, so he wasn't sure, keeping an eye out for Lucius, he couldn't forget to invite him to the bucks night, hopefully he would be more amenable to him now that he'd cleaned himself up a bit, he didn't want to alienate any of Ray and Neela's friends. There was no sign of the doctor though, oh well, next time he saw him...

He found himself standing outside the room again, a small smile on his face as he watched them inside, Neela's hand once again in Ray's, his buddy looked happy, happier than he'd seen him in a long time. He laughed to himself he'd probably analysed his friendship with Ray more in the last twenty four hours than he had in the whole time he'd known him. Neela caught his eye through the glass and he realised, as she smiled back at him, that today was about two people, who against the odds had found their way back to each other, and who in this moment, were able to make each other happy, make each other smile, and despite how it had happened, he'd been a part of that. It was about dreams being fulfilled, promises, the impossible achievable, the insurmountable conquered.

He was still pondering these thoughts when the door once more swung open.

'Hey Neela was wondering where you'd gone'

'Neela was?' he smirked and raised an eyebrow 'what about you? Did you not miss me, Barnett?'

He laughed as the colour rose up Ray's cheeks.

'Can't say I'd noticed you'd gone'

'Ah, Dr Neela sucked you under her spell again?' He looked down, subconsciously mimicking Ray's pose, his thumbs looped through his belt loops as he perused the floor in detail 'Seriously dude, I'm happy for you'

The colour was still there when Ray raised his face again 'Thanks, I mean thanks for being here, honestly I'd have gone crazy if you hadn't been here all night' every word was punctuated by a longing, tender gaze into the room beside them, eyes meeting, saying more with just one look than words could ever say, and Brett could see that this was what people dreamt of, spent their whole lives searching for, something he couldn't deny his buddy even if it meant that their friendship would never be quite the same again.

He laughed, meeting Ray's quizzical eyes 'gone crazy? Hate to say it buddy, but you're already there. Get back in there, you know you want to'

The red tinge that had just started to fade flared up again as he bashfully shuffled his feet 'um, yeah' he reached for the handle, and finally met Brett's eyes 'thing is she wants to see you too'

'Nah, you don't want me in there'

'Brett, she specifically said I wasn't to step back in that room without you, something about wanting to say thank you, I don't know, all I know is that I don't want to face her wrath already, you know what she can be like'

'Ah, why didn't you say, I'm right behind you' he followed Ray into the room, the door swinging shut behind him, and he realised that Dr Neela was sniggering at him, her hand covering her mouth as if that would prevent him from realising. He reached up to pat down his hair, but he knew it was futile, he'd been doing that in the rest room for the last half hour without any success.

'Dude, I didn't think you could look worse than you did before, but you've managed it' Ray was back in his seat and had finally taken a good look at his friend. His laughter gave away what he thought, he was almost holding his sides in pain.

'Fuck off Barnett, I'm glad I can be a source of amusement for you' but he was grinning as he said it.

'Where've you been?' her voice was still raspy, and she looked exhausted, but she sounded more like the Dr Neela that he remembered.

'Trying to tidy myself up, didn't want to make a bad impression on folk'

Ray managed to stop laughing just long enough to ask 'and that took you that long?'

He sighed and looked away furtively 'well, if you must know, I was looking for Dr Neela's doctor'

He didn't miss the look that passed between them 'why were you looking for Lucien?'

Ah, that was his name 'Dude! Do I have to say?' he was gazing at his feet, suddenly fascinated by the patch of floor under them.

Ray shared another bemused look with Neela 'Um yeah, Brett, you do, enlighten us'

'Well, it was just, I thought I should invite him to the bucks night'

Rays eyebrows raised in confusion, as he raked a hand through his hair 'what bucks night?'

How could Ray be this dense? 'Yours of course, dude what are you thinking?'

Ray shook his head as if trying to make sense of what he was hearing.

A burst of laughter escaped Ray even as he turned to reassure Neela 'I promise you that I have _no_ idea what he's talking about' he turned to Brett again 'Buddy, what _are_ you going on about?'

'But you and Dr Neela?'

He was shaking his head, laughing, nothing understandable leaving his mouth, Brett turned to Neela hoping for some more sense from her, but her silent laughter was such that there were tears on her cheeks 'what's funny?'

'You think...? Brett, mate, she's been awake for maybe an hour, we've hardly talked about this' he gesticulated at their joined hands 'let alone me propose, what where you doing in that rest room to conjure this up?'

'But...' he was sure, oh, OH, shit, he'd been thinking how cool it would be and he'd got carried away with it all, hadn't he? Fuck, and to make it worse, he could feel his cheeks starting to heat up.

'When...' Ray looked across at Neela, and strangely his cheeks took on a similar hue to Brett's own as he quickly altered his wording 'if...'

'What Ray's trying to say, is that when it happens Brett, you'll be the first to know' Ray looked across at Neela again, another of those slow smiles that he reserved for her lighting up his face 'yeah?'

She smiled back 'yeah'

'You better not forget...' but once more they weren't listening to him, they only had eyes for each other.


End file.
